


can't walk away and can't shake the taste

by smallredboy



Category: Love Simon (2018)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Coming Out, M/M, Trans Character, trans simon spier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 06:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14805722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallredboy/pseuds/smallredboy
Summary: Simon is prone to panic. When he has to come out to his boyfriend as a trans man, even more so.





	can't walk away and can't shake the taste

**Author's Note:**

> hey i watched the movie like two weeks ago and wrote this at 4 am. its... something. i havent read the book yet but ill try to. enjoy!

Simon might have said  _ Dear Blue, I'm just like you  _ what feels like millennia ago, but he isn't just like Bram. He doesn't know how to tell him this— the mere idea of his fairy tale romance breaking because of who he is makes him so anxious he could puke.    
  
The whole school already knows he's gay. If they found out his bigger, worse secret he'd be subject to worse than being mocked in front of the whole cafeteria. He's already panicked over being outed; he can't do it again.    
  
It's a secret bigger than being gay— if Nick and Abby found out he's been hiding this... The mere thought makes him dizzy. But it’s to be safe. He couldn't tell the whole world he was  born like that, couldn't deal with all that would entail.    
  
But he has to tell Bram because he's his boyfriend. Because Bram is his boyfriend who he's made out for an hour to then push him away when he inches closer to his waistband. Because Bram is his boyfriend who he'll have sex with someday. If he doesn't leave him over this, that is.    
  
He's been in the bathroom for over twenty minutes now. Bram's in his room. He can't breathe. His mind spins with thoughts and ideas of what will happen if he tells him. It ranges from just 'oh, I'm not into vaginas' to 'you tried to turn me straight?' to 'oh, you're a girl'. He chokes down a sob at the idea of Bram being so terribly transphobic.    
  
He digs his nails into his palms. He's glad he never went through the puberty of his assigned gender; if he did he'd be staring at everything wrong with his body right now. All he's got is what's between his legs, which almost mocks him merely by existing.    
  
He hugs his knees and keeps crying, body shaking. He doesn't want to tell Bram— he can't tell Bram. He doesn't want him to leave. He adores his good morning kisses, their sloppy make-outs, their studying sessions where they end up tangled together. He can't say goodbye to all that so soon. He can't, he can't, he can't.    
  
Bram knocks on the door. His voice is sweet as honey, and it makes his heart skip a beat. "Simon, are you okay?" he asks.    
  
He sobs in response. He can't begin to lie with a yes.    
  
Bram huffs. "I'm opening the door."    
  
He can't begin to deny him that. Bram opens the door and falls to his knees, hugging him. He cries into his shoulder, trying to stop the thought of how he'll never feel his arms around him again.    
  
"Shh, I'm here, Si," he says, rubbing his back. He sobs even harder at that because he won't be in an hour or two. He clings to him. "Breathe, Si. It'll be okay. Breathe." His voice is so soothing it makes him lightheaded. He obeys, breathing as he tells him to.    
  
His head clears up after a while. He stays clung to Bram, trying to calm himself down. He can tell him this, he can deal with this. It's been over a month, and if he can't be into him anymore, he'll have to deal with it.    
  
He'll find someone else to love.    
  
The thought is somewhat calming. He gets up with shaky legs, and Bram squeezes his shoulder at an attempt to help him relax. It doesn't work very well, but he appreciates it.    
  
"C-Can we..." he starts, voice quivering, "can we go downstairs? I-I need to tell you something, Bram."   
  
Bram nods, taking his hand on his. He relishes on the touch, knowing that maybe it's the last time he'll feel Bram's hand against his own. They go down the stairs and sit next to each other on the couch. Silence follows.    
  
"I... uh..." Simon really doesn't know how to explain. He looks through the drawers of the coffee table and finds the baby photos album. He looks through the first few pages until he finds the gender reveal party photos. 'It's A Girl!' the pictures scream loud and proud. He shoves the album into Bram's lap.    
  
Bram looks at it, tilts his head. "Your sister's gender reveal party?"   
  
Simon snorts, shakes his head. Bram frowns, confusion in his eyes. He goes to the next page— there's a photo of him as a newborn. Pale skin and no hair and closed eyes. His birth name is scribbled over in black pen, *Simon* put on top of it.    
  
Bram stares— and the silence seems to drag on forever. Then, he tilts his head and gives him a soft smile. "I suppose no one knows?"   
  
"Only Leah," he nods. His anxiety starts to mellow down, as his boyfriend hasn't said anything bad. "And now you."   
  
Bram nods. "Okay." A beat. "Can I kiss you?"   
  
"You don't mind?" he asks, even though it's obvious he doesn't mind.    
  
He gives him the most loving exasperated smile possible. "Simon Spier, the man of my dreams, how could I possibly mind?"   
  
Simon shakes his head, rolls his eyes and lets himself grin. Their lips mash together, almost how they did in the Ferris wheel. He kisses him desperately, grateful that he'll stay by his side.    
  
Once they pull away, Bram sits on his lap with ease, almost as if he was a cat. Simon rolls his eyes and kisses his temple. "Y'know, now it makes sense."   
  
"What does?" Simon asks, pressing kisses to his temple as Bram rubs his shoulder.    
  
"That I never felt your boner."   
  
Simon squeaks and flushes pink and Bram laughs heartily. He leans closer to him and smiles; his boyfriend will be here with him no matter what. The thought is calming.    
  
"I'm sorry you had an anxiety attack over telling me this."   
  
Simon shakes his head again, snorts a little. "Even if you told me a thousand times you would date a trans guy I would've still had an anxiety attack." He presses a kiss to his curls, smiles against them. "It's okay, babe."   
  
Bram looks up, this goofy grin on his face. He's so handsome Simon's breath gets caught in his throat. "Alright then. You're awfully handsome, you know?"   
  
"Same goes for you," he tells him.    
  
Bram kisses him once again, and for once Simon doesn't have to worry about what will his loved ones think. 


End file.
